how its been so far

Look who's back!

Wow, its been SUCH a LONG time since I've last blogged and honestly, I missed it. Just reading at my old posts and stuffs makes me realize how far I've come and how much has changed over time. So of course, I think its only fair if I update a little bit of how my life's been so far. I understand that you can roughly figure how things' been for me through Twitter, Instagram but ultimately, Facebook. But here's where you get the insight of things, a little bit more like a behind the scene. :)

So! Turns out my last post was on August of 2o12 and surely, a lot has changed since then. Well, maybe not that much but y'know, some things remained the same while others changed. The fact that I am still in New Zealand, still studying Psychology, still attending the same church and stuffs are the same, but in terms of my spiritual being, my thinking, and MAYBE my appearance too, might have changed. 

When I think about what has most certainly changed in these past years, actually, my whole life, would probably be my spiritual being. 

Especially these last 1 and a half year. 

I've learnt, a lot. 

As you all know or might know, I am born and raised in a Christian family. And I remembered my mom telling me one time, that before (?) I was born, she prayed to God saying that she'll offered her first child to Him. Thus, y'know, I was being forced to learn the piano, learn to sing in choir, and do a lot of different stuffs, just growing worshipping and serving the Lord since I was a kid. To be honest, I don't even remember when it all started, it just felt like I've been serving in church for as long as I can remember and at one point in life, it turned out to be more like a job instead of true worshipping. 

My passion for the Lord has its ups and downs. It was never stabled. When I needed God, sure, I'll remember to pray and stuffs, but well, God and I never really had a relationship. It was more like, I know You, You know me, You bless me, I worship you, THE END. 

So 4 years ago (yes it has been 4 years, guys), I've made the decision to leave home and come study in New Zealand. Tough decision, but of course, it was the one decision that I will never ever regret in my entire life. My first 2 years in New Zealand was just purely me relying on my own and no one else. Yes, I was with Jeh Wen still that time, but being physically away from each other, a lot of times, I had to go through things on my own and at some point, it made me really depressed. 

I was bullied in High School. I was lonely because I didn't really have a lot of friends compared to Malaysia back then. I was drowned with stress. My relationship with my ex wasn't always lovey-dovey. There was just a lot going on and I had NO ONE to depend to but myself. 

For 2 years, I stopped going to church and completely forgotten about God. 

Well, to be honest, I've forgotten and stopped listening to God even before that but at least I was still attending church but in my 2 years of high school, I just stopped altogether. 

There are nights, where I will cry myself to sleep. There are nights, where I thought, "you know what? I can't even call myself a Christian anymore. I don't go to church, I don't pray, I don't even believe that God will pull me out of this situation." So I gave up. 

But even when I have given up on my relationship with the Lord, He has not given up on me. 

Today, being able to be here typing this testimony, this post, shows you how much God loves me. 

Because of the Lord, I had to made some drastic changes in my life, one being breaking up with my boyfriend whom I've been with for 2 years. As I walk closer towards God, I realize that there are a lot of things that I have to give up in order to continue to walk with the Lord. 

For the past few months, I've been struggling with my heart and with listening to God. I caught myself falling for someone, and while it makes me happy, it is also eating me up. Ever since I've started to get to know God more personally, I've been hearing a lot of beautiful and wonderful testimonies about relationships that were formed by God, love stories that were hand-written by the most amazing and wonderful Creator and Author of the world and universe, and I was envious. I wanted a relationship like that. I wanted a relationship where my other-half would be praying to God and asking, "Lord, is she the one?" or "Lord, I love her, please allow this to happen". I mean, what could POSSIBLY be more beautiful than a love story that is written by God Himself?!

So, when I found myself starting to fall for this person, I started praying. I was hoping, hoping God would say "Yes, go for it!". But of course, He didn't, which broke my heart. Instead of getting an answer where God tells me that he is or isn't the one, God told me "why don't you grow in me first? why don't you love me first, and then we'll see how it goes". But of course, I was kinda rebellious. Even though I know what I have to do, I had a hard time letting my feelings for this person to be pushed aside for now. 

Then, God talked to me again. 

This time, through a video of this beautiful woman in Christ, who oddly, seems so much like me. 

Seeing this video reminds me of how I dream of a fairy tale love story, of how I wanted to see my prince charming but then it also reminded me that in order to do that, I myself have to be prepared. Which is exactly what God wanted me to do! He wanted me to grow in Him, to mature in Him, for what, I dunno, but for what ever reasons God wanted me to do that, I see absolutely no harm in it. 

So my dear ladies and gentlemen, I know this is a very lengthy and LONG post, but I just wanted to let you guys know, yes, I am still single, yes, I am still liking that person and yes, I am still holding on hope but the one thing that has changed, would be my heart. It is in such peace right now. After struggling for a while, I have finally found peace in my heart which was given by the Lord Himself! I just wanted to let you all know, that whatever happens, keep your faith and trust in God. Things might be hard at the moment but remember, God never gives you anything that you can't handle! 

So to end off this post, I'll just share with you guys what God comforted me with His words. 

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand."

Yours truly,

Nathalie