The Truth Behind Long Distance Relationships

Hello everyone, its been a heck of a long time since I updated my blog. So here I am again, ranting about things that I just don't agree with or things that don't sit right with me. 

Let's start!

Long distance relationships. I had my fair share of experience with long distance relationships since I've been in a few and my last relationship was one. Some lasted for a while, while others just totally flunked. Its fairly common these days to see posts or images about how distance doesn't matter if one trusts each other and what not in a relationship, well, let me be very honest with you. 

DISTANCE DOES MATTER!

Be it small or big, there is an undeniable difference between couples who are together and couples who are not. 

I am not saying that long distance relationships don't work, they do, and I've seen it. But it is definitely NOT for everyone. 

As humans, we like to be special, we like to think that if someone else can work their long distance relationship, then of course, we can too! Its so common to think that way that most people actually fall into this "trap" of false-believing. I am not here to deny the power of optimism, but studies have also shown that being overly optimistic is not healthy either. My point here is, sometimes, it is just better to realise and acknowledge that not everyone can handle a long distance relationship. 

You can have your trust, communication, faith and all those elements altogether, but it still might not work out. Simply because there is no stronger hormone than oxytocin, or otherwise known as the cuddle hormone. Just the mere touch of someone you love can increase your well-being. So imagine seeing others holding hands and what not, your body is only going to crave it more.

Of course, there are people that says: when you see each other, it makes it all worth it. And I don't disagree! I was head over heels happy when I finally get to be with my ex-boyfriend after spending almost a year apart. But there's also something called the emotional bank account. If the negative overrides the positive, its practically all for nothing. All your little bickers and arguments over the phone may be too overwhelmed to override that one big positive moment. 

So I just want to say that, the next time you see a post about long distance relationship and how it works with trust and what not. PLEASE be considerate. You dunno who you're trapping. You might be saving someone from a big heartache. 

I know long distance relationships work, but its time to wake up people. 

Not everyone can work a long distance relationship.  

Midnight Dose of Pain

My blog has been pretty depressing lately. Maybe because I'm depressed. 

Please disregard this if you don't like heavy stuffs, just keep in mind that this is my place to vent and rant so at times things do get kinda heavy. You are warned. Do not continue if you don't like negativity. 

Its been almost 7 months now, since Edward and I are together. I'm not gonna lie, things have been pretty smooth and going well. I honestly do feel happy around him. But there are also days where I feel like absolutely crap. There are days where I just want to ignore him, shut him off and what not. But of course, that never happened because being the "relatively" soft hearted person that I am, I find it impossible to shut people out.

Because I know how it feels to be shut out by people. 

Let me ask you this. 

Have you ever wanted something, something that you dunno if you're meant to be asking? 

Well thats what I'm going through most of the time when I'm with him.

I want him to care more about me. 

I want him to spend more time with me.

I want him to talk to me a bit more instead of going to sleep.

I want him to this.

I want him to that. 

The list goes on.

But am I even in a position to ask for things?

I am honestly so torn between wanting and not asking for it...

I dunno how many of you has experienced this but I know I do most of the days. 

And the reason that I don't wanna ask is because I feel very undeserving. 

I feel like I don't deserve more. I feel like I don't have the rights to ask for more. I feel like I am unworthy. I feel like I'm being selfish. I feel like I already have more than I need. I feel like I won't be able to repay what he has given to me. 

And to be very honest, I don't even know which side is right.

Is it right for me to ask for more? 

Or is it right for me to not say anything?

Yea, I'm seriously confused. 

So please, if you have insights. 

Do tell me.

Cause being ripped apart like this, is so painful. 

給你的信

很大膽對吧？就在你身邊打部落格。對不起，這一路以來都是我“逃避”或發洩的方法。雖然你人就在我旁邊，不過我想告訴你的太多太多了。 

你知道嗎？

我真的很愛你啊。

真的真的很愛。

對不起，我的任性我的自私我的霸道傷害你了。

其實，我真的不懂得怎麼去愛一個人。我認為對的，原來都不對。才發現我也有很多該學的。對不起，給了你那麼大的傷害，我多麼希望受傷的那個是我，而不是你。很多時候，為了保護自己，我身上的刺就不小心刺傷了你。因為想保護自己，我就毫不猶豫的傷了你。

我知道我的一百個對不起，一百個悔意，一百個想彌補的方法也許都沒辦法真的把你受到的傷忘掉。

不過寶貝，對不起。

我知道我不是一個完美的一個女朋友，我知道我缺很多很多的東西。也許我這一輩子都會在學者怎麼去愛一個人，這一輩子都可能學不會。不過為了你，我真的有在盡力，努力，的把我能給的都給你。

我不要再保護自己了。

我只要保護我最愛的那個人，那就是你。 

如果你能再給我一次機會，一次就夠了，我答應你，我不會再什麼都顧著自己了。

讓我好好的愛你。

我會加油。

我會全心全意的愛你。

Overwhelming feelings

Okay, maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today *again*, but honestly, there has been "so much" going on lately that I'm really starting to feel extremely tired. 

After reading Daphne Charice's blog about long distance relationship, I just can't help but feel sorry for myself. This is already the second time I'm in a long distance relationship, its not long term like the first time, but nevertheless, it's still one. And honestly, it doesn't get any easier. 

Especially when I know that things are going to change if I don't get my visa and PR. 

Okay, never mind. 

I'm done thinking about that.

Moving on.

First Post of 2014

I'm not gonna lie, as days passed by, I'm starting to think a lot on my "New Years Resolution". 

I didn't really come up with any on the first day of New Years, and I honestly didn't thought I would. But after spending a couple of days thinking, maybe it is time for me to make some changes. 

For the past few years, my New Years Resolution has always been study harder, get better grades, get a B+ average, and anything that has to do with my grades. Since this is my last year of my degree, I have come to the realisation that my grades are important, but that alone won't be enough for me to survive in the real world. 

1. Get a part-time job. 

After realising how important experiences are when you look for a job, I have come to a decision that no matter how busy I am, I will have to look for a part-time job. 

2. Work on my grades and better time management.

Nuff said?

3. SERIOUSLY work on my relationship with God, like seriously. 

Not saying that I haven't been serious, its just that, I have been slacking and yea. 

4. Stick to my resolutions. 

Cause honestly, who sticks to their New Years Resolution?

So here's to another year of challenges!

Yours truly,

Nathalie

Just One Of Those Days...

I was seriously considering on locking this post and just y'know, rant all I want and just leave it all to myself. Been searching for password protection scripts and stuffs but looks too complicated and I cannot be bothered to lock it, so yea, I guess that's that. 

I'll just pretend like, nobody is reading this blog and that nobody will ever read this post. 

So please, just allow me to rant and vent all I want. 

I am so stressed out. 

I don't even know how or where to begin. I guess turning 21 really does put a whole lot of pressure on you, especially when its your last year of university and you gotta start thinking about work and what not. 

It just feels like all of a sudden you're having the weight of the world on your shoulders. 

You don't even know how to lift it off when everyone around you is struggling with their own problem. 

You know what, I don't even know what I want to say anymore.

Whatever...

This one goes out to you, Edward.

Surprise!

Okay, maybe not. But hey, I hope you're at least a little tiny bit surprise to read this post. It just seems like the right thing to have a post about you, especially when you are now part of my life, and well, as you know it, my blog is my life story. 

Where do I even begin? 

What do I even say? 

There's just so much that's going through my mind right now, I don't even know how to put everything in order and just write coherently. I guess you'll just have to bear with me. 

First off, I love you. 

I really do. 

You should know by now that my life has always been filled with assumptions, I never know how things will turn out or what will happen next even if I plan them out or at least try to work my way towards "my goal". But things never turn out the way I want them to, they always change and something will always happen that either forbids me to move forward or changes my direction. I have never, in my entire life, been sure about anything, not even with what I'm studying. I always question if its the right course and right major and I question a lot of things in my life. But if there's anything I'm ever sure about, its you. 

Actually, you ARE the only thing that I am sure about. 

I know that in my heart that you ARE my promise from God. 

You are the answer to my prayer. 

I've told you, I am not proud of my history. I've hesitated and dreaded a lot when you said you're reading my blog. There are a lot of things I would rather you not knowing, and let it stay hidden. I wanted to bury my past. I wanted to lock it away and never dig it up. I don't even want to look back. My past has hurt me a lot and sometimes, I don't even think I have the courage to look back. I'm so afraid that if I look back, it might just come back and slap me across the face. I'm afraid that my past will repeat itself. But seeing how you're enjoying in reading them, and how you found things funny and how you share them with me, eased my fears. 

I guess they're right. 

There are things that makes you laugh when you look back, thinking how silly you used to be. But its those things that have helped you grow, helped you mature. Its undeniable that I have changed, and I am so glad that I did. If it wasn't because of those mistakes and lessons, I don't think I'd ever wind up being with you. 

When you showed me little quotes of me saying "Next boyfriend PLEASE" in my old posts, the first thing that came to mind is "no more". 

I am done searching for something that's already in my grasp. I am done looking for my Prince Charming when he is just standing right there in front of me. I may not be proud of my pasts, but I am definitely grateful with what the future hold now that I have you. 

And when you showed me another quote that I wrote before, about how people will never be able to get used to their life because its filled with excitement and surprises. The moment when you told me you did get used to life, until you met me. You have no idea just how much that honestly touched me. 

Seriously. 

I don't think you have a clue. 

To think that I've actually brought change to someone's life when all I ever believed was that I am nothing but a burden, a pain and just another "add-on" that's useful in times but mostly, it can be left there without people even knowing its there. You have no idea how much that means to me. To know that maybe I can be someone's excitement and that someone looks forward to being with me. 

You have told me things that I don't think anyone has ever said to me, and you have undoubtedly changed my life. 

I guess finally, I wanted to tell you that my blog begins anew from here on. 

"Its not about erasing the past, its about learning and knowing how to turn the page". 

I can now officially and proudly turn my page. 

I cannot wait to write more about my life with you. Our adventure starts here. And maybe in 10 years time when we look back, we'll cringe at our old selves and find it funny how we used to react to certain things in the past. But mostly, how we fell for each other. How each argument just brought us closer. How each time we're with each other is just as magical and happy as the others. How we'll always be there for each other. 

I love you so very dearly, Edward. 

And may this last forever.

Yours sincerely,

Nathalie.