Midnight Dose of Pain

My blog has been pretty depressing lately. Maybe because I'm depressed. 

Please disregard this if you don't like heavy stuffs, just keep in mind that this is my place to vent and rant so at times things do get kinda heavy. You are warned. Do not continue if you don't like negativity. 

Its been almost 7 months now, since Edward and I are together. I'm not gonna lie, things have been pretty smooth and going well. I honestly do feel happy around him. But there are also days where I feel like absolutely crap. There are days where I just want to ignore him, shut him off and what not. But of course, that never happened because being the "relatively" soft hearted person that I am, I find it impossible to shut people out.

Because I know how it feels to be shut out by people. 

Let me ask you this. 

Have you ever wanted something, something that you dunno if you're meant to be asking? 

Well thats what I'm going through most of the time when I'm with him.

I want him to care more about me. 

I want him to spend more time with me.

I want him to talk to me a bit more instead of going to sleep.

I want him to this.

I want him to that. 

The list goes on.

But am I even in a position to ask for things?

I am honestly so torn between wanting and not asking for it...

I dunno how many of you has experienced this but I know I do most of the days. 

And the reason that I don't wanna ask is because I feel very undeserving. 

I feel like I don't deserve more. I feel like I don't have the rights to ask for more. I feel like I am unworthy. I feel like I'm being selfish. I feel like I already have more than I need. I feel like I won't be able to repay what he has given to me. 

And to be very honest, I don't even know which side is right.

Is it right for me to ask for more? 

Or is it right for me to not say anything?

Yea, I'm seriously confused. 

So please, if you have insights. 

Do tell me.

Cause being ripped apart like this, is so painful.